So yesterday celebrity chef Gary Rhodes died, oh shit he didn’t eat one of his own range of frozen meals did he, I heard they won’t be burying or cremating Gary Rhodes but serving him at his own wake along buttery mashed potatoes & a bearnaise sauce.
Gary Rhodes’s first television appearance came courtesy of Keith Floyd & just about every celebrity chef has Keith Floyd to thank for their media careers as it was Keith who invented the modern celebrity chef & also by playing anarchically with the conventions of television helped to revolutionise the way programs were presented. I loved Keith Floyd as he loved a drink, loved a smoke, loved rugby & surprising was a fan somewhat of Punk Rock & well I love a drink & a smoke & I’m a fan of rugby & as you might have noticed I’m Punk Rock as fuck. I guess what I loved most about Keith Floyd was that he didn’t give a flying fuck for conformity or convention, sure his rebellious nature led him to do stuff like cook whale in Greenland which certainly was ethically dodgy, I still think the world would have been a far duller place without his televisual antics despite how dodgy some of those antics might have been. Of course the irony with the circumstances surrounding Keith Floyd’s death in 2009 was Keith died of a heart attack whilst sitting down to watch a television documentary about himself & I remember distinctly in that documentary when asked what he thought of the then crop of celebrity chefs he responded by saying they were all a bunch of cunts & I couldn’t agree with Keith Floyd more.
I saw Marcus Wareing was one of the celebrity chefs who has led the tributes being paid to Gary Rhodes & of course Marcus is one of the judges of Masterchef: The professionals along with chef Monica Galetti & the ever-present as well as ever excitable hired spoon Gregg Wallace. With there being a new series of Masterchef: The Professionals currently airing 8pm on BBC2 Tuesday to Thursday, I see Monica Galetti has yet again changed her hairstyle for yet another series, funny how when people get on television they start doing stuff like that & start acting like nightmarish divas, I remember the police sitcom The Thin Blue Line making a joke about this in the episode when the police at whatever nick it was were going feature in a reality television series & the bald detective got himself a bleach blonde hair transplant circa Bruce Willis in the Fifth Element. When I first saw Monica Galetti on Masterchef: The Professionals I thought she was one of those earnest chefs who was only interested in food excellence but I guess one shouldn’t be surprised she’s succumbed to the temptation of celebrity, I mean 20 years ago Gordon fucking Ramsey said he hated the tag ‘celebrity chef’ but now Gordon fucking Ramsey is one of highest paid celebrities in the world
Monica’s always telling contesting chefs on Masterchef: The Professionals she likes their dishes but…
I have a but for Monica, a giant fucking but, which is Monica you might very well like a contesting chef’s pouncier then pouncy dish BUT there will be people choosing between heating & eating this Christmas, Monica you might very well like a contesting chef’s pouncier then pouncy dish BUT there are in an increasing number of people homeless & starving on the streets of Britain. I’m so fucking fed up with celebrity chefs attempting to make anybody who’s ever eaten a KFC bucket feel inadequate for having done so or inadequate because they can only afford a 10p tin of beans on a slice of stale toast for tea, some of us have fuck all choice but to shop at Audi & Poundland or rely on food banks, actually have any of these celebrity chefs such as Marcus Wareing or Michel Roux Jr ever visited a food bank, how about any of the critics you often see on Masterchef: The Professionals such as Jay Rayner or William Sitwell, yeah I can see Jay Rayner’s column in the Observer after having visited his first food bank & him moaning the food he was given being too bland.
We are currently in midst of a General Election campaign where there’s a debate about the damage done by a decade of austerity & the BBC are taking the piss again upon those hardest hit by austerity with airing yet another series of Masterchef: The Professionals which is the personification of food snobbery & utter middle-class wank, it’s only the middle-classes who can afford to eat out at whatever chain of poncified restaurants or have stocked in their kitchen at home stuff like kale chips & avocados & focaccia bread & fair-trade coffee. I really hate the middle-classes sometimes, they’re the kind of people who complain about Quentin Tarantino movies being too violent when somebody is murdered yet watch Midsomer Murders where there’s plenty of murders going on just the murders in Midsomer are sanitised, yeah as if the act of murder was ever sanitised, what a bunch of hypocrites.
The worse of the middle-classes aren’t the Tory voting middle-classes as you expect them to be snooty cunts, no in fact its middle-class metropolitan lefties who are the worse, because there will be a situation where a load of middle-class lefty wankers will have gathered for some dinner party & whilst scoffing canopies & swigging wine they’ll be chatting about how badly the Tories are treating disabled people yet there won’t have been any disabled person invited to this dinner party. Believe me lefty middle-class types are just as likely any snooty Tory middle-class type to cross the street if they see a disabled person walking towards them, a couple years ago I actually went to a party attended by a load of lefty middle class types & I was made to feel very unwelcome simply for being disabled.