The Political Relevance Of MasterChef: The Professionals

So yesterday celebrity chef Gary Rhodes died, oh shit he didn’t eat one of his own range of frozen meals did he, I heard they won’t be burying or cremating Gary Rhodes but serving him at his own wake along buttery mashed potatoes & a bearnaise sauce.

Gary Rhodes

Gary Rhodes’s first television appearance came courtesy of Keith Floyd & just about every celebrity chef has Keith Floyd to thank for their media careers as it was Keith who invented the modern celebrity chef & also by playing anarchically with the conventions of television helped to revolutionise the way programs were presented. I loved Keith Floyd as he loved a drink, loved a smoke, loved rugby & surprising was a fan somewhat of Punk Rock & well I love a drink & a smoke & I’m a fan of rugby & as you might have noticed I’m Punk Rock as fuck. I guess what I loved most about Keith Floyd was that he didn’t give a flying fuck for conformity or convention, sure his rebellious nature led him to do stuff like cook whale in Greenland which certainly was ethically dodgy, I still think the world would have been a far duller place without his televisual antics despite how dodgy some of those antics might have been. Of course the irony with the circumstances surrounding Keith Floyd’s death in 2009 was Keith died of a heart attack whilst sitting down to watch a television documentary about himself & I remember distinctly in that documentary when asked what he thought of the then crop of celebrity chefs he responded by saying they were all a bunch of cunts & I couldn’t agree with Keith Floyd more.

Keith Floyd

I saw Marcus Wareing was one of the celebrity chefs who has led the tributes being paid to Gary Rhodes & of course Marcus is one of the judges of Masterchef: The professionals along with chef Monica Galetti & the ever-present as well as ever excitable hired spoon Gregg Wallace. With there being a new series of Masterchef: The Professionals currently airing 8pm on BBC2 Tuesday to Thursday, I see Monica Galetti has yet again changed her hairstyle for yet another series, funny how when people get on television they start doing stuff like that & start acting like nightmarish divas, I remember the police sitcom The Thin Blue Line making a joke about this in the episode when the police at whatever nick it was were going feature in a reality television series & the bald detective got himself a bleach blonde hair transplant circa Bruce Willis in the Fifth Element. When I first saw Monica Galetti on Masterchef: The Professionals I thought she was one of those earnest chefs who was only interested in food excellence but I guess one shouldn’t be surprised she’s succumbed to the temptation of celebrity, I mean 20 years ago Gordon fucking Ramsey said he hated the tag ‘celebrity chef’ but now Gordon fucking Ramsey is one of highest paid celebrities in the world

Monica’s always telling contesting chefs on Masterchef: The Professionals she likes their dishes but…

I have a but for Monica, a giant fucking but, which is Monica you might very well like a contesting chef’s pouncier then pouncy dish BUT there will be people choosing between heating & eating this Christmas, Monica you might very well like a contesting chef’s pouncier then pouncy dish BUT there are in an increasing number of people homeless & starving on the streets of Britain. I’m so fucking fed up with celebrity chefs attempting to make anybody who’s ever eaten a KFC bucket feel inadequate for having done so or inadequate because they can only afford a 10p tin of beans on a slice of stale toast for tea, some of us have fuck all choice but to shop at Audi & Poundland or rely on food banks, actually have any of these celebrity chefs such as Marcus Wareing or Michel Roux Jr ever visited a food bank, how about any of the critics you often see on Masterchef: The Professionals such as Jay Rayner or William Sitwell, yeah I can see Jay Rayner’s column in the Observer after having visited his first food bank & him moaning the food he was given being too bland.

Marcus Wareing, Gegg Wallace & Monica Galetti

We are currently in midst of a General Election campaign where there’s a debate about the damage done by a decade of austerity & the BBC are taking the piss again upon those hardest hit by austerity with airing yet another series of Masterchef: The Professionals which is the personification of food snobbery & utter middle-class wank, it’s only the middle-classes who can afford to eat out at whatever chain of poncified restaurants or have stocked in their kitchen at home stuff like kale chips & avocados & focaccia bread & fair-trade coffee. I really hate the middle-classes sometimes, they’re the kind of people who complain about Quentin Tarantino movies being too violent when somebody is murdered yet watch Midsomer Murders where there’s plenty of murders going on just the murders in Midsomer are sanitised, yeah as if the act of murder was ever sanitised, what a bunch of hypocrites.

The worse of the middle-classes aren’t the Tory voting middle-classes as you expect them to be snooty cunts, no in fact its middle-class metropolitan lefties who are the worse, because there will be a situation where a load of middle-class lefty wankers will have gathered for some dinner party & whilst scoffing canopies & swigging wine they’ll be chatting about how badly the Tories are treating disabled people yet there won’t have been any disabled person invited to this dinner party. Believe me lefty middle-class types are just as likely any snooty Tory middle-class type to cross the street if they see a disabled person walking towards them, a couple years ago I actually went to a party attended by a load of lefty middle class types & I was made to feel very unwelcome simply for being disabled.

Well At Least Jamie Oliver Doesn’t Present Masterchef: The Professionals

t’s not Jamie Oliver who’s gone bust, it’s his restaurant chain which has gone bust, It’s not Jamie Oliver who’s lost his job, it’s the 1,000 or so people who worked at his chain of restaurants who have lost their jobs. The collapse of Oliver’s restaurant chain might tarnish his image somewhat but I’m sure it won’t be long before the celebrity chef is back on our television screens pouncing around telling us how best to cook whatever, I mean Jamie’s by no means the first celebrity chef to have had a restaurant or restaurant in their name go bankrupt, even the likes of fucking Gordon fucking Ramsey fucking fuck has had restaurants he’s opened go bust.

Jamie Oliver

I’m really not au fait with the whole foodie slash celebrity chef culture, my food philosophy is whatever is cheap & filling is good enough, sorry I’m nowhere near middle-class enough to be able to afford the luxury of being a snooty foodie, unfortunately my girlfriend seems to have the pretence of being a foodie though I’d suggest to her she first needs to learn how to boil an egg. To be blunt the whole middle-class foodie culture & the celebrity chefs encouraging it seriously gets up my fucking nose big time!

Jamie Oliver is in fact one of the celebrity chefs I find least offensive, as for fucking Gordon fucking Ramsey well he’s a total & utter cunt, not just because prior to training to be a chef he played football for Rangers & I’m die hard Celtic supporter, but because he generally treats people like utter shite by screaming & shouting abuse at them & in the past physically assaulting people employed in the kitchens of his restaurants, oh then there’s Michel Roux Jr who I very much like to kidnap & force him to eat a mega load of Pot Noodles followed by bargain bucket from KFC in response to him having a dig at people on the BBC’s Food & Drink Show for eating premade frozen lasagnes, hey Roux Jr you snobby fuckwod not everybody has a Michelin Star standard kitchen in their abode nor do they have time, energy or skill to be cooking a lasagne from fucking scratch when they’ve got home after slogging their arses off working.

So during an era of Tory austerity, when many elderly people during wintertime have had to choose between heating or eating, when the lowest paid are increasing reliant on food banks (including on at least one occasion myself), when there are children suffering from malnutrition in this country, the BBC think it’s a great idea to be producing a reality television show where chefs cooking pouncy food have a desire to cook food which is even more fucking pouncy! Your chocolate fondant isn’t gooey enough in the centre thus its shit, your souffle isn’t good enough as it hasn’t risen to the precise milometer it ought to have, your roast chicken is slightly overdone, hey snooty Masterchef judges if the roast chicken ain’t red when you carve it open then its edible so shut the fuck up & be thankful you’ve the privilege of having food in front of you to eat because there are many people in this country who are struggling to afford to put food on the table.

Gregg Wallace

Jamie Oliver might have the greatest business acumen but unlike Michel Roux Jr at least he’s never presented Masterchef: The Professionals. When Sean Pertwee was young & followed his father Jon into acting, I bet he had ambitions as an actor to be like his father & play Dr Who, not ending up providing the voiceover for Masterchef The fucking Professionals! As with the main Masterchef series, Gregg Wallace is a judge on the spin off Masterchef: The Professionals & as with the main Masterchef series when Gregg Wallace likes a contestant’s dish he can’t contain his excitement, I’m surprised that Gregg’s potato like noggin hasn’t literally exploded when he’s seriously gotten over excitable, actually I wonder if his head did explode would Heston Blumenthal come along & make an ice cream out of his brain matter because you just know some foodie fashioner fuckwit would want to herald gourmet cannibalism as the next foodie fad, though of course the food critics would no doubt say it wasn’t enough of radical enough departure from current food trends.

If celebrity chefs aren’t bad enough then there’s the food critics, Jay Rayner, Charles Campion, Kate Spicer & the rest, all of whom I’d gladly have parachuted into some refugee camp caused by some forsaken war nobody gives a shit about despite foreign policy of our government probably having something to do with that war starting in the first place & have them complain about the food rations being provided by the relief agencies being too over seasoned.

I know some people will accuse me of being jealous of never being able to afford to eat at any top restaurant, ah but you’d be wrong to assume I’ve never eaten at any top Michelin Starred restaurant, I was taken for my 40th birthday to The Gilbert Scott near St Pancras station which is run by Marcus Wareing who replaced Michel Roux Jr on Masterchef: The Professionals, being as I downed half a bottle of bourbon even before I sat down to dine along with 4 bottles of South African chardonnay whilst I dined, I really don’t remember much about the food served & to this day still can’t figure out how the fuck I got home, all I do recall about the food was the chips were nice but everything else was overrated & I’d have preferred a gut buster breakfast at my local greasy spoon café.