The other night I was vegging out surfacing the BBC iPlayer looking for something interesting to watch & I came across The Hairy Bikers’ Pubs That Built Britain which remind me that every time my girlfriend comes over to stay she’s always suggesting going down the local pub & I always firmly say no thanks & here’s why…
I know many people have this romantically idealised vision of the British pub being some country establishment having patrons who are interesting eccentric characters & sell real ale produced by microbreweries etc, when the reality of the British pub is the local Wetherspoons on a Friday night jammed pack full of rowdy drunken bigoted gammon thugs getting wasted on chemically enthused pints of wife beater lager who’ll glass you if you dare glance at them & even if you don’t accidently lock glances with some drunken gammon thug then you could still find yourself bloodied from having a beer glass lodged in the side of your head whilst having a quiet pint (this actually has happened to a couple of people I know).
If you’re a socialist trans woman you quickly discover more than any other group of people your average British pub in any leafy provincial suburbanite area of this country is no bastion of acceptance & tolerance despite how much this country loves to smugly pat itself on the back about how tolerant it now is of the LGBTQ community. Every since the public smoking ban came into enforce, trans women don’t actually have to go into a pub to be subjected to a barrage of drunken transphobic abuse, because you’ve now have gammon with their arses parked outside the pub with beer & cigarettes drunkenly subjecting you to abuse as walk by minding your own fucking business, believe me I’ve been subjected to transphobic abuse from gammon bigots in freezing December rain as I walk past the local Wetherspoons. Sure there are LGBTQ friendly pubs in cities such as London & Brighton I might frequent when out with friends wanting to frequent those pubs, but whether or not pubs are LGBTQ friendly it’s the fact they all have yucky brownish décor which is the major reason as to why I absolutely detest the archetypical British pub.
No matter where a pub is situated in Britain I guarantee its interior will be dimly lit with an overwhelming brownish décor with possibly dark green seat cushions & carpeting, I know people will say this is because it’s how pubs have been traditionally decorated, yes & it use to be traditional to burn witches at the stake but we no longer do so & thus why can’t we see pubs with décor which is far brighter with the windows actually letting in sunlight & don’t leave the staff working there with a Vitamin D deficiency, oh I forgot the dark brown & green decors in pubs help hide the beer stains & the puke stains & the piss & blood stains.
Back in the 1990s before I came out as a trans woman, I spent a lot of time in pubs, in fact I spent way too much time in pubs sinking to the bottle as means of not having to deal with being trans & so I know all about dealing with denial. You tend to find a lot of alcoholics in pubs particularly pubs selling beer at rock bottom prices such as Wetherspoons, yeah like turds attracting flies etc. It’s not the slurred speech or stumbling over themselves when they try to walk or bursting out into song or even the aggression & violence you get with alcoholics which annoys me the most about alcoholics, it’s that they’ll go on & on & on & on & on boring the shit out of you about how they’re not an alcoholic because they know some other guy who drinks far much more hard liquor then they do or they’re not an alcoholic because they can go without a drink for more then 5 minutes, blahdy bullshit blah. I use to smoke but I didn’t endlessly go on boring every fucker about fucking smoking, I just got on with feeding my addiction by lighting up another Marlboro, if alcoholics want to drink themselves to death they can fill their boots as much as they fucking want in doing so as far as I’m concerned & alternatively if they want to seek help to stop them from boozing then that help should be readily available to help them do so, but please stop boring all & sundry shitless about alcohol this & alcohol that & that you’re not an alcoholic because…
I read that pubs were closing down at the rate one every 12 hours during the second half of 2019, sadly the rate of pub closures has slowed as compared to previous years, yeah I’m not weepy at all that pub trade has been in serious decline over the past decade, okay I feel sorry for those losing their jobs as a consequence, but bigoted gammon & other assorted alcoholic lowlife will just find another pub to park their arses & taunt any civilised intelligent person who dared to wonder into that pub for a quiet drink.
I know some people will say in response to me writing this that I’ve just had the misfortune of having frequented some pretty shitty pubs & there are decent pubs in this country. Hey if anybody wants to take me to what they claim is a decent pub which is gammon free then give me a call, but I don’t believe there is any pub in Britain free from gammon bigots spouting bigoted misogynistic or racist or homophobic bullshit, I maintain every pub in this country has a barstool bigot loudmouth who reckons its okay to give women a slap & all immigrants should fuck off back from whence they came.
I know there will be some who’ll allege the reason I hate pubs is because I’m some kind of new age vegan teetotaller, when in fact I’m a meat-eating atheist who loves scrumpy cider. I know when you criticise the local pub in the earshot of some people, it’s like say what you want about the church & the monarchy but don’t dare ever say anything bad about the traditional British pub because these people still have romantic notions about the local pub still being a cornerstone of the local community, Jesus fucking wept what reality do these kind of people live in because the reality I live in is where just about every pub is a gammon infested hellholes.
I know some people will say I don’t like Wetherspoons because Tim Martin is a Brexiter & on that one you’d be absolutely right.