The Political Relevance Of MasterChef: The Professionals

So yesterday celebrity chef Gary Rhodes died, oh shit he didn’t eat one of his own range of frozen meals did he, I heard they won’t be burying or cremating Gary Rhodes but serving him at his own wake along buttery mashed potatoes & a bearnaise sauce.

Gary Rhodes

Gary Rhodes’s first television appearance came courtesy of Keith Floyd & just about every celebrity chef has Keith Floyd to thank for their media careers as it was Keith who invented the modern celebrity chef & also by playing anarchically with the conventions of television helped to revolutionise the way programs were presented. I loved Keith Floyd as he loved a drink, loved a smoke, loved rugby & surprising was a fan somewhat of Punk Rock & well I love a drink & a smoke & I’m a fan of rugby & as you might have noticed I’m Punk Rock as fuck. I guess what I loved most about Keith Floyd was that he didn’t give a flying fuck for conformity or convention, sure his rebellious nature led him to do stuff like cook whale in Greenland which certainly was ethically dodgy, I still think the world would have been a far duller place without his televisual antics despite how dodgy some of those antics might have been. Of course the irony with the circumstances surrounding Keith Floyd’s death in 2009 was Keith died of a heart attack whilst sitting down to watch a television documentary about himself & I remember distinctly in that documentary when asked what he thought of the then crop of celebrity chefs he responded by saying they were all a bunch of cunts & I couldn’t agree with Keith Floyd more.

Keith Floyd

I saw Marcus Wareing was one of the celebrity chefs who has led the tributes being paid to Gary Rhodes & of course Marcus is one of the judges of Masterchef: The professionals along with chef Monica Galetti & the ever-present as well as ever excitable hired spoon Gregg Wallace. With there being a new series of Masterchef: The Professionals currently airing 8pm on BBC2 Tuesday to Thursday, I see Monica Galetti has yet again changed her hairstyle for yet another series, funny how when people get on television they start doing stuff like that & start acting like nightmarish divas, I remember the police sitcom The Thin Blue Line making a joke about this in the episode when the police at whatever nick it was were going feature in a reality television series & the bald detective got himself a bleach blonde hair transplant circa Bruce Willis in the Fifth Element. When I first saw Monica Galetti on Masterchef: The Professionals I thought she was one of those earnest chefs who was only interested in food excellence but I guess one shouldn’t be surprised she’s succumbed to the temptation of celebrity, I mean 20 years ago Gordon fucking Ramsey said he hated the tag ‘celebrity chef’ but now Gordon fucking Ramsey is one of highest paid celebrities in the world

Monica’s always telling contesting chefs on Masterchef: The Professionals she likes their dishes but…

I have a but for Monica, a giant fucking but, which is Monica you might very well like a contesting chef’s pouncier then pouncy dish BUT there will be people choosing between heating & eating this Christmas, Monica you might very well like a contesting chef’s pouncier then pouncy dish BUT there are in an increasing number of people homeless & starving on the streets of Britain. I’m so fucking fed up with celebrity chefs attempting to make anybody who’s ever eaten a KFC bucket feel inadequate for having done so or inadequate because they can only afford a 10p tin of beans on a slice of stale toast for tea, some of us have fuck all choice but to shop at Audi & Poundland or rely on food banks, actually have any of these celebrity chefs such as Marcus Wareing or Michel Roux Jr ever visited a food bank, how about any of the critics you often see on Masterchef: The Professionals such as Jay Rayner or William Sitwell, yeah I can see Jay Rayner’s column in the Observer after having visited his first food bank & him moaning the food he was given being too bland.

Marcus Wareing, Gegg Wallace & Monica Galetti

We are currently in midst of a General Election campaign where there’s a debate about the damage done by a decade of austerity & the BBC are taking the piss again upon those hardest hit by austerity with airing yet another series of Masterchef: The Professionals which is the personification of food snobbery & utter middle-class wank, it’s only the middle-classes who can afford to eat out at whatever chain of poncified restaurants or have stocked in their kitchen at home stuff like kale chips & avocados & focaccia bread & fair-trade coffee. I really hate the middle-classes sometimes, they’re the kind of people who complain about Quentin Tarantino movies being too violent when somebody is murdered yet watch Midsomer Murders where there’s plenty of murders going on just the murders in Midsomer are sanitised, yeah as if the act of murder was ever sanitised, what a bunch of hypocrites.

The worse of the middle-classes aren’t the Tory voting middle-classes as you expect them to be snooty cunts, no in fact its middle-class metropolitan lefties who are the worse, because there will be a situation where a load of middle-class lefty wankers will have gathered for some dinner party & whilst scoffing canopies & swigging wine they’ll be chatting about how badly the Tories are treating disabled people yet there won’t have been any disabled person invited to this dinner party. Believe me lefty middle-class types are just as likely any snooty Tory middle-class type to cross the street if they see a disabled person walking towards them, a couple years ago I actually went to a party attended by a load of lefty middle class types & I was made to feel very unwelcome simply for being disabled.

Strewth! It’s Masterchef Australia

The overdramatic music & cheesy voice over, presented by at least one Aussie chef & an eccentric Englishmen, who get way too fucking overexcited in a extremely blokey manner about dishes cooked by contestants all of whom weirdly always seem to be oh so very middle-class with personal backstories which are tediously boring as fuck & who also get way too excited & giddy in cringeworthy fangirl/fanboy fashion anytime there’s a guest appearance by a some supposed celebrity chef who’s names you don’t recognise & who you don’t really care about, no folks it’s not Masterchef, it’s Masterchef Australia.

Believe it or not, Masterchef Australia has been one of the most watched shows on network television down-under over the past decade, there was in fact a general election campaign being fought when the first season of Masterchef Australia was being aired on television & the televised debate between the leaders of the various political parties in Australia had to be rescheduled as it was going to clash with the season finale of Masterchef Australia, me thinks some Aussies really do have their priorities fucked up, oh & unlike the British version of Masterchef which is aired over period of about a month & half once or twice a week maybe 3 times in finals week, Masterchef Australia is aired every weeknight over a 3 month to 4 month period, the Aussies really seemed to have gotten an appetite for foodie snobby in a big way.

I know some might be scratching their head thinking when did Aussies get so into being foodie snobs, probably because they still think according to Monty Python everybody in Australia is called Bruce & are unsophisticated morons, it’s that or they reckon the difference between a pot of yoghurt & Australia is that yoghurt has culture. Though I’ve never visited Australia, I’d imagine it’s pretty much like any other westernised neoliberal capitalist society who’s middle-class are disappearing up its own pouncy foodie arsehole whilst the under-class/working-class struggle to put food on the table. I’d imagine there are an increasing number of people relying on the Australian equivalent to food banks otherwise they’ll starve, particularly as Australia like the UK have re-elected successive conservative governments over the past decade & we know conservative governments don’t give a shit about poor & vulnerable people starving & ending up destitute, but hey poor & vulnerable people living down under never mind that your struggling to put food on the table, here’s some daily televisual entertainment for 3 months of the year consisting of middle-class wankers with their heads stuffed well & truly up their own foodie arses competing to cook pouncy & pouncier food (the likes of which you’ll never get to eat) in the hope they’ll become an even more pouncier cheffy cunt.

Of course Masterchef Australia isn’t the only version of Masterchef around the globe, there’s Masterchef U.S which is presented by fucking Gordon fucking Ramsey who’s slightly less cuntish as a presenter in the way he treats people though this doesn’t mean he’s any less of gigantic cunt, there’s Masterchef Canada which like the U.S version is more of reality gameshow then cookery competition. There was even a version of Masterchef in my native South Africa though it only lasted for two or three seasons, this might of been because a majority of the contestants were middle-class White people whilst a great proportion of indigenous Black population live in abject fucking poverty, racial apartheid might have gone in South Africa but its left an economic apartheid divided along racial lines, where if you’re White you’ll still far more likely to be economically better off then many of the majority Black population.

Return Of The Great British Sickbag

The reason this article is entitled Return Of The Great British Sickbag is due to having penned an article about 6 0r 7 years ago entitled The Great British Sickbag for what was supposedly an upcoming satirical news site which is no longer upcoming as it no longer exists, the article was inspired by that time on the BBC’s culinary television competition program The Great British Menu when chef Johnny Mountain had a cheffy tantrum then proceeded (off camera) to smash up the kitchen & storm off the show because Marcus Wareing gave him low marks for the fish dish he served up. Fuck me its really going to bring a great deal of solace (NOT!) to those who are suffering from malnutrition in this country due to a combination of austerity & inflation with the price of basic food staples & dream of being able to afford a few more bake beans on stale piece of toast, to be having a pouncy chef essentially tell another pouncy chef that their pouncy fish dish is essentially shite when it was more then likely perfectly edible, oh never mind getting upset about those starving because of war or drought or pestilence nah get upset as motherfucker because your fish dish isn’t pouncy enough for pouncy foodie VIPs to gorge on at some pouncy banquet, for fucks sake this world is seriously fucked up in so many more fucking ways then I realise!!!!!!!

So last week I was watching the judging finals of the most recent series of the Great British Menu whilst eating a bag of chips (no seriously I was eating a bag of chips) & one of the pouncy chefs produced a dish inspired by Punk Rock, err what the fuck!?!?! I can’t think of anything more antithetical to the ethos of Punk Rock then a pouncy chef producing a pouncy dish in the hope its served at some pouncy banquet for pouncy VIP foodies to gorge on, believe me I might dress like a hippy but as you might of noticed my attitude is very Punk fucking Rock! I’ve been into Punk Rock since I was in my teens & I can tell you chefs using water baths & blow tortures & whatever the fuck it is Heston Blumenthal does, it ain’t Punk Rock, it’s a musical equivalent to all that fuck awful 70s prog rock with bands like Yes & Genesis which Punk Rock was in many ways a backlash to.

John Lydon of the Sex Pistols said in Julien Temple’s excellent Filth & The Fury documentary film on the Sex Pistols that Punk Rock needed to happen because in the mid-1970s when there were race riots, hyper inflation & industrial strife, the middle-classes were parading around the Kings Road in Chelsea with fancy coiffeur hair does & fancy boutique clothing in some kind of dreamlike haze when two streets away the garbage was piling up because the refuge workers were out on strike, yeah well that’s how I feel about pouncy chefs cooking pouncy food on our television screens when an increasing number of those likely watching are having to rely on food banks otherwise they & their families will starve.

For me Punk Rock was a fuck you to the establishment for saying the dispossessed underclass are shit, it was the underclass adopting the DIY ethos to further artistic endeavours no matter which snooty cunt told them they were talentless. I’m very much a Punk Rock writer, I suffer from a form of dyslexia which means I have fuck all understanding of grammar, but no matter who picks me up on this & food critic Jay Rayner did with my last rant about foodie bullshit, no matter how scathing people can be, I continue to persist as a writer & will continue to persist.

Well At Least Jamie Oliver Doesn’t Present Masterchef: The Professionals

t’s not Jamie Oliver who’s gone bust, it’s his restaurant chain which has gone bust, It’s not Jamie Oliver who’s lost his job, it’s the 1,000 or so people who worked at his chain of restaurants who have lost their jobs. The collapse of Oliver’s restaurant chain might tarnish his image somewhat but I’m sure it won’t be long before the celebrity chef is back on our television screens pouncing around telling us how best to cook whatever, I mean Jamie’s by no means the first celebrity chef to have had a restaurant or restaurant in their name go bankrupt, even the likes of fucking Gordon fucking Ramsey fucking fuck has had restaurants he’s opened go bust.

Jamie Oliver

I’m really not au fait with the whole foodie slash celebrity chef culture, my food philosophy is whatever is cheap & filling is good enough, sorry I’m nowhere near middle-class enough to be able to afford the luxury of being a snooty foodie, unfortunately my girlfriend seems to have the pretence of being a foodie though I’d suggest to her she first needs to learn how to boil an egg. To be blunt the whole middle-class foodie culture & the celebrity chefs encouraging it seriously gets up my fucking nose big time!

Jamie Oliver is in fact one of the celebrity chefs I find least offensive, as for fucking Gordon fucking Ramsey well he’s a total & utter cunt, not just because prior to training to be a chef he played football for Rangers & I’m die hard Celtic supporter, but because he generally treats people like utter shite by screaming & shouting abuse at them & in the past physically assaulting people employed in the kitchens of his restaurants, oh then there’s Michel Roux Jr who I very much like to kidnap & force him to eat a mega load of Pot Noodles followed by bargain bucket from KFC in response to him having a dig at people on the BBC’s Food & Drink Show for eating premade frozen lasagnes, hey Roux Jr you snobby fuckwod not everybody has a Michelin Star standard kitchen in their abode nor do they have time, energy or skill to be cooking a lasagne from fucking scratch when they’ve got home after slogging their arses off working.

So during an era of Tory austerity, when many elderly people during wintertime have had to choose between heating or eating, when the lowest paid are increasing reliant on food banks (including on at least one occasion myself), when there are children suffering from malnutrition in this country, the BBC think it’s a great idea to be producing a reality television show where chefs cooking pouncy food have a desire to cook food which is even more fucking pouncy! Your chocolate fondant isn’t gooey enough in the centre thus its shit, your souffle isn’t good enough as it hasn’t risen to the precise milometer it ought to have, your roast chicken is slightly overdone, hey snooty Masterchef judges if the roast chicken ain’t red when you carve it open then its edible so shut the fuck up & be thankful you’ve the privilege of having food in front of you to eat because there are many people in this country who are struggling to afford to put food on the table.

Gregg Wallace

Jamie Oliver might have the greatest business acumen but unlike Michel Roux Jr at least he’s never presented Masterchef: The Professionals. When Sean Pertwee was young & followed his father Jon into acting, I bet he had ambitions as an actor to be like his father & play Dr Who, not ending up providing the voiceover for Masterchef The fucking Professionals! As with the main Masterchef series, Gregg Wallace is a judge on the spin off Masterchef: The Professionals & as with the main Masterchef series when Gregg Wallace likes a contestant’s dish he can’t contain his excitement, I’m surprised that Gregg’s potato like noggin hasn’t literally exploded when he’s seriously gotten over excitable, actually I wonder if his head did explode would Heston Blumenthal come along & make an ice cream out of his brain matter because you just know some foodie fashioner fuckwit would want to herald gourmet cannibalism as the next foodie fad, though of course the food critics would no doubt say it wasn’t enough of radical enough departure from current food trends.

If celebrity chefs aren’t bad enough then there’s the food critics, Jay Rayner, Charles Campion, Kate Spicer & the rest, all of whom I’d gladly have parachuted into some refugee camp caused by some forsaken war nobody gives a shit about despite foreign policy of our government probably having something to do with that war starting in the first place & have them complain about the food rations being provided by the relief agencies being too over seasoned.

I know some people will accuse me of being jealous of never being able to afford to eat at any top restaurant, ah but you’d be wrong to assume I’ve never eaten at any top Michelin Starred restaurant, I was taken for my 40th birthday to The Gilbert Scott near St Pancras station which is run by Marcus Wareing who replaced Michel Roux Jr on Masterchef: The Professionals, being as I downed half a bottle of bourbon even before I sat down to dine along with 4 bottles of South African chardonnay whilst I dined, I really don’t remember much about the food served & to this day still can’t figure out how the fuck I got home, all I do recall about the food was the chips were nice but everything else was overrated & I’d have preferred a gut buster breakfast at my local greasy spoon café.