Strewth! It’s Masterchef Australia

The overdramatic music & cheesy voice over, presented by at least one Aussie chef & an eccentric Englishmen, who get way too fucking overexcited in a extremely blokey manner about dishes cooked by contestants all of whom weirdly always seem to be oh so very middle-class with personal backstories which are tediously boring as fuck & who also get way too excited & giddy in cringeworthy fangirl/fanboy fashion anytime there’s a guest appearance by a some supposed celebrity chef who’s names you don’t recognise & who you don’t really care about, no folks it’s not Masterchef, it’s Masterchef Australia.

Believe it or not, Masterchef Australia has been one of the most watched shows on network television down-under over the past decade, there was in fact a general election campaign being fought when the first season of Masterchef Australia was being aired on television & the televised debate between the leaders of the various political parties in Australia had to be rescheduled as it was going to clash with the season finale of Masterchef Australia, me thinks some Aussies really do have their priorities fucked up, oh & unlike the British version of Masterchef which is aired over period of about a month & half once or twice a week maybe 3 times in finals week, Masterchef Australia is aired every weeknight over a 3 month to 4 month period, the Aussies really seemed to have gotten an appetite for foodie snobby in a big way.

I know some might be scratching their head thinking when did Aussies get so into being foodie snobs, probably because they still think according to Monty Python everybody in Australia is called Bruce & are unsophisticated morons, it’s that or they reckon the difference between a pot of yoghurt & Australia is that yoghurt has culture. Though I’ve never visited Australia, I’d imagine it’s pretty much like any other westernised neoliberal capitalist society who’s middle-class are disappearing up its own pouncy foodie arsehole whilst the under-class/working-class struggle to put food on the table. I’d imagine there are an increasing number of people relying on the Australian equivalent to food banks otherwise they’ll starve, particularly as Australia like the UK have re-elected successive conservative governments over the past decade & we know conservative governments don’t give a shit about poor & vulnerable people starving & ending up destitute, but hey poor & vulnerable people living down under never mind that your struggling to put food on the table, here’s some daily televisual entertainment for 3 months of the year consisting of middle-class wankers with their heads stuffed well & truly up their own foodie arses competing to cook pouncy & pouncier food (the likes of which you’ll never get to eat) in the hope they’ll become an even more pouncier cheffy cunt.

Of course Masterchef Australia isn’t the only version of Masterchef around the globe, there’s Masterchef U.S which is presented by fucking Gordon fucking Ramsey who’s slightly less cuntish as a presenter in the way he treats people though this doesn’t mean he’s any less of gigantic cunt, there’s Masterchef Canada which like the U.S version is more of reality gameshow then cookery competition. There was even a version of Masterchef in my native South Africa though it only lasted for two or three seasons, this might of been because a majority of the contestants were middle-class White people whilst a great proportion of indigenous Black population live in abject fucking poverty, racial apartheid might have gone in South Africa but its left an economic apartheid divided along racial lines, where if you’re White you’ll still far more likely to be economically better off then many of the majority Black population.

Return Of The Great British Sickbag

The reason this article is entitled Return Of The Great British Sickbag is due to having penned an article about 6 0r 7 years ago entitled The Great British Sickbag for what was supposedly an upcoming satirical news site which is no longer upcoming as it no longer exists, the article was inspired by that time on the BBC’s culinary television competition program The Great British Menu when chef Johnny Mountain had a cheffy tantrum then proceeded (off camera) to smash up the kitchen & storm off the show because Marcus Wareing gave him low marks for the fish dish he served up. Fuck me its really going to bring a great deal of solace (NOT!) to those who are suffering from malnutrition in this country due to a combination of austerity & inflation with the price of basic food staples & dream of being able to afford a few more bake beans on stale piece of toast, to be having a pouncy chef essentially tell another pouncy chef that their pouncy fish dish is essentially shite when it was more then likely perfectly edible, oh never mind getting upset about those starving because of war or drought or pestilence nah get upset as motherfucker because your fish dish isn’t pouncy enough for pouncy foodie VIPs to gorge on at some pouncy banquet, for fucks sake this world is seriously fucked up in so many more fucking ways then I realise!!!!!!!

So last week I was watching the judging finals of the most recent series of the Great British Menu whilst eating a bag of chips (no seriously I was eating a bag of chips) & one of the pouncy chefs produced a dish inspired by Punk Rock, err what the fuck!?!?! I can’t think of anything more antithetical to the ethos of Punk Rock then a pouncy chef producing a pouncy dish in the hope its served at some pouncy banquet for pouncy VIP foodies to gorge on, believe me I might dress like a hippy but as you might of noticed my attitude is very Punk fucking Rock! I’ve been into Punk Rock since I was in my teens & I can tell you chefs using water baths & blow tortures & whatever the fuck it is Heston Blumenthal does, it ain’t Punk Rock, it’s a musical equivalent to all that fuck awful 70s prog rock with bands like Yes & Genesis which Punk Rock was in many ways a backlash to.

John Lydon of the Sex Pistols said in Julien Temple’s excellent Filth & The Fury documentary film on the Sex Pistols that Punk Rock needed to happen because in the mid-1970s when there were race riots, hyper inflation & industrial strife, the middle-classes were parading around the Kings Road in Chelsea with fancy coiffeur hair does & fancy boutique clothing in some kind of dreamlike haze when two streets away the garbage was piling up because the refuge workers were out on strike, yeah well that’s how I feel about pouncy chefs cooking pouncy food on our television screens when an increasing number of those likely watching are having to rely on food banks otherwise they & their families will starve.

For me Punk Rock was a fuck you to the establishment for saying the dispossessed underclass are shit, it was the underclass adopting the DIY ethos to further artistic endeavours no matter which snooty cunt told them they were talentless. I’m very much a Punk Rock writer, I suffer from a form of dyslexia which means I have fuck all understanding of grammar, but no matter who picks me up on this & food critic Jay Rayner did with my last rant about foodie bullshit, no matter how scathing people can be, I continue to persist as a writer & will continue to persist.

Well At Least Jamie Oliver Doesn’t Present Masterchef: The Professionals

t’s not Jamie Oliver who’s gone bust, it’s his restaurant chain which has gone bust, It’s not Jamie Oliver who’s lost his job, it’s the 1,000 or so people who worked at his chain of restaurants who have lost their jobs. The collapse of Oliver’s restaurant chain might tarnish his image somewhat but I’m sure it won’t be long before the celebrity chef is back on our television screens pouncing around telling us how best to cook whatever, I mean Jamie’s by no means the first celebrity chef to have had a restaurant or restaurant in their name go bankrupt, even the likes of fucking Gordon fucking Ramsey fucking fuck has had restaurants he’s opened go bust.

Jamie Oliver

I’m really not au fait with the whole foodie slash celebrity chef culture, my food philosophy is whatever is cheap & filling is good enough, sorry I’m nowhere near middle-class enough to be able to afford the luxury of being a snooty foodie, unfortunately my girlfriend seems to have the pretence of being a foodie though I’d suggest to her she first needs to learn how to boil an egg. To be blunt the whole middle-class foodie culture & the celebrity chefs encouraging it seriously gets up my fucking nose big time!

Jamie Oliver is in fact one of the celebrity chefs I find least offensive, as for fucking Gordon fucking Ramsey well he’s a total & utter cunt, not just because prior to training to be a chef he played football for Rangers & I’m die hard Celtic supporter, but because he generally treats people like utter shite by screaming & shouting abuse at them & in the past physically assaulting people employed in the kitchens of his restaurants, oh then there’s Michel Roux Jr who I very much like to kidnap & force him to eat a mega load of Pot Noodles followed by bargain bucket from KFC in response to him having a dig at people on the BBC’s Food & Drink Show for eating premade frozen lasagnes, hey Roux Jr you snobby fuckwod not everybody has a Michelin Star standard kitchen in their abode nor do they have time, energy or skill to be cooking a lasagne from fucking scratch when they’ve got home after slogging their arses off working.

So during an era of Tory austerity, when many elderly people during wintertime have had to choose between heating or eating, when the lowest paid are increasing reliant on food banks (including on at least one occasion myself), when there are children suffering from malnutrition in this country, the BBC think it’s a great idea to be producing a reality television show where chefs cooking pouncy food have a desire to cook food which is even more fucking pouncy! Your chocolate fondant isn’t gooey enough in the centre thus its shit, your souffle isn’t good enough as it hasn’t risen to the precise milometer it ought to have, your roast chicken is slightly overdone, hey snooty Masterchef judges if the roast chicken ain’t red when you carve it open then its edible so shut the fuck up & be thankful you’ve the privilege of having food in front of you to eat because there are many people in this country who are struggling to afford to put food on the table.

Gregg Wallace

Jamie Oliver might have the greatest business acumen but unlike Michel Roux Jr at least he’s never presented Masterchef: The Professionals. When Sean Pertwee was young & followed his father Jon into acting, I bet he had ambitions as an actor to be like his father & play Dr Who, not ending up providing the voiceover for Masterchef The fucking Professionals! As with the main Masterchef series, Gregg Wallace is a judge on the spin off Masterchef: The Professionals & as with the main Masterchef series when Gregg Wallace likes a contestant’s dish he can’t contain his excitement, I’m surprised that Gregg’s potato like noggin hasn’t literally exploded when he’s seriously gotten over excitable, actually I wonder if his head did explode would Heston Blumenthal come along & make an ice cream out of his brain matter because you just know some foodie fashioner fuckwit would want to herald gourmet cannibalism as the next foodie fad, though of course the food critics would no doubt say it wasn’t enough of radical enough departure from current food trends.

If celebrity chefs aren’t bad enough then there’s the food critics, Jay Rayner, Charles Campion, Kate Spicer & the rest, all of whom I’d gladly have parachuted into some refugee camp caused by some forsaken war nobody gives a shit about despite foreign policy of our government probably having something to do with that war starting in the first place & have them complain about the food rations being provided by the relief agencies being too over seasoned.

I know some people will accuse me of being jealous of never being able to afford to eat at any top restaurant, ah but you’d be wrong to assume I’ve never eaten at any top Michelin Starred restaurant, I was taken for my 40th birthday to The Gilbert Scott near St Pancras station which is run by Marcus Wareing who replaced Michel Roux Jr on Masterchef: The Professionals, being as I downed half a bottle of bourbon even before I sat down to dine along with 4 bottles of South African chardonnay whilst I dined, I really don’t remember much about the food served & to this day still can’t figure out how the fuck I got home, all I do recall about the food was the chips were nice but everything else was overrated & I’d have preferred a gut buster breakfast at my local greasy spoon café.